I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
