so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
