Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
