I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize