I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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