I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
