So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
