Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
