Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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