I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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