Please, let me fuck your mom
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
