I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize