dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
