I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
