I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
