Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
