look no pants
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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