My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
