areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
