only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
