I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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