Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
