I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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