My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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