The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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