i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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