You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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