when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
