There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
