all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im calling her cock vulture from now on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
