I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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