I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
