dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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