so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
