So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
