I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
