You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
