So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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