So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
