Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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