I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
