A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
