Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
