am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
