do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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