Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
