i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize