he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
