Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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