getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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