Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
