I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
