Pappa wants mamma naked
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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