god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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