Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
