Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
