you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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