After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
