pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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