Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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