Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
