Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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